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Category: Satire (Page 3 of 7)
By Andy Borowitz
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WASHINGTON – Republicans today promised that there will be a “seamless transition of hatred” if President Obama is succeeded in office by Hillary Clinton. “Like many Americans, we will be saddened to see our lawsuits, investigations, and general harassment directed towards President Obama come to an end,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “But we want to reassure everyone that we are very much up to the challenge of transferring our hatred to a President Clinton.” Boehner promised the American people that the tormenting of the new Democratic President would begin on her first day in office. “The fact that we began this process while she was still Secretary of State will really enable us to hit the ground running,” he said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s plan to offer Americans two years of college for free has come under fire from congressional Republicans, who are calling it a blatant plot to make Americans smarter.
The G.O.P., which has benefited from the support of so-called “low-information voters” in recent years, accused Obama of cynically trying to make people smarter as a way of chipping away at the Republican base.
“You take low-information voters and give them information, and pretty soon they’re Democrats,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said.
House Speaker John Boehner said that “forcing knowledge into people” was “flagrantly un-American,” adding, “We make this promise to the American people: if you like your brains, you can keep your brains.”
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