You Cruz, you lose

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being hailed as a rare example of bipartisan coöperation, Senate Democrats and Republicans came together today on a near-unanimous vote to defund Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas).

The measure, which shuts down all nonessential functions of Sen. Cruz, passed by a margin of ninety-nine to one.

As the final vote was announced this morning, Sen. Cruz’s microphone was unplugged and the Senate exploded with cheers on both sides of the aisle.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) said that the vote to defund the Texas senator showed that bipartisan cooperation is possible even in the usually rancorous Senate: “Every now and then the two parties can reach across the aisle and find something that we both despise with all our might.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) acknowledged that the budget impact of defunding Sen. Cruz would be minimal, but added, “This was never about money. We got Ted Cruz to stop talking, and you can’t put a price tag on that.”